during the last days of school before my winter break, i had planned to go out to dinner with my mom. after class i'd be driving home from Towson and spend the night out with her. i received an unexpected call from my mom, insisting i stay at school since it had begun snowing. as i was already on the road, i assured her no snow could stop me from seeing her that night. the hour long drive wasn't too bad and i arrived home safely. what i hope to be excitement and time spent with my mom, turned out to be a night of confusion, fear, and total heartache.
when i walked into the house, i found my mom crying in her room while on the phone. she started yelling out all these terrible things my dad was doing. she was drunk and was listening to a conversation between my dad and another woman that was left on her phone.
my mom cried so hard for so long, she ended up vomiting all the alcohol she drank. i spent the night comforting her, cleaning up after her.
i'll never forget how scared i was that night. i had never seen my mom reach that point. it would be my biggest regret if i had stayed at school, to only find out she could have died at home alone that night.
this was two years ago, our relationship has never been the same. i've been given the responsibility to fix everything while juggling school, work, friends--my own life. it's hard to admit but, i know i can't and never will, only God can.
my parents divorced this year in july. my mom finally gave in to the many friends and family who were begging her to leave this man. for so long he had taken advantage of her money, freedom, and spirit. she had stood firm in her belief to have her babies raised with both a mother and father. my brother and i are adults now, but i know my feels like she has failed.
over time, my relationship with my dad diminished. as i got older, i understoof what his verbal abuse and manipulation was doing to me and the family. out only conversations were about 'if the job i found would give me lots of money, if i knew what i was doing in life, if i knew how to take care of myself.' time and time again, i would assure him i knew how to stand on my own two feet. but his only response would be, "no, i don't think you'll ever make it. you're good for nothing and you'll always be a failure."
everyday i ask God how am i to respect this man who is my father? the mother on the brink of hopelessness? how do i understand You as my Father if i do not have an example of a godly father on Earth?
i am still a fairly new Christian, trying to grasp the concept of who God is and the abundant Grace He has given me. i have been githing this battle since i was saved three years ago. it has been so hard to consistently pray and serve my family and friends at home, as they are lost in their own sin and have not yet allowed God to change their hearts.
even through this heartbreak and test of fatith, i still grab onto hope. God continues to pursue me. He has blessed me with such humble Sisters in Christ who pray for me and encourage me everyday. their love for me challenges me to be like them--women of God.
God saved me just as i was beginning a new chapter in life--college. He found me at a time of change and opportunity to grow spiritually mature--personally with Him. He opened the door to Covenant Life Church back in January '09. i look forward to sunday, as i know there is something to grasp, apply, and share with others. as i doubt, God steps in a little closer. He shows me the beauty in life and the many things to come He knows will fill my heart with JOY. i thank God as He forgives me for an angry heart and an unforgiving spirit. and because He simply loves and cares for me.
i can only hope my brother will rejoice in God with me one day, that God's Power may multiple as we continue serving and loving our mom.
through prayer, encouragement, and His Word, i have overcome many difficulties with much fruit. it never ceases to amaze me how everytime i open the Bible, God lets me find truth. He gives my heart assurance.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."~Isaiah 40:29-31
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