God...my heart aches. really bad.

my mind...racing.

my eyes...losing vision..

my words...lost.

contemplation

lately, i have not been able to concentrate on much...except for the fact that i need God so much in my life. at points in our lives, we'll all feel this way..and yet the ONLY answer to this problem is to go dig deeper into God...

but then that's not even the first thing that even comes to mind. we're so silly. the moment it's apparent we need to meet God, we run away like the lost sheep that we are, but God graciously keeps running after us to turn us around in the right direction.

ever since i became a Christian, i have been going to nearby churches. ones i could walk to when i was at school without a car. almost every church i have visited, i have gotten so much fruit out of them. and now here i am, finally able to call a church my home. this is it. plant many seeds here, serve the body, and gain much perspective on who God is and strengthen my relationship with Him, grasping the deep, deep affection He has towards me that i don't deserve.

but lately, my love and desire to go to church has dwindled. i don't know why. but as taught from a Big Meeting last night, i am sinning. i am violating God's will, His obedience, His power....to do things the way i want, to follow my own selfish desires. much of which is just to sleep in. to sleep in and waste the day. instead of just missing church to have my own quiet time and praying time, i end up just sleeping the day away, not afraid because i have plenty more days to read God's Word.

then the minute i finally get out of bed, i just have this guilt on my shoulders. "why did you have to sleep that extra hour or two? the day is almost over and you could have done so much!" my Bible and prayer journal just sit somewhere collecting dust after all these days of me just sitting on the sideline...sleeping.

i know with all my heart that God didn't just sacrifice His Son so that i could sleep all day and night and not have a conscience to learn or do anything productive. i know that i was not meant to sit on some bench and not take action when He gives me opportunity.

i need to keep swimming towards the deep end. not feel comfortable just because i can stand in a couple feet of water. you don't need faith for that. what i need to do is take courage, because even though whatever is out there, the harsh waves, the bottomless stretch that awaits for me out there...i need to stand on my faith in knowing that God will carry me through. He didn't do what He has done for me, spend all this time teaching and blessing me [with so much] for me to just drown and be scared for the rest of my life.

God has taught me well in His Word to make sacrifices for Him. God has given me much faith to be bold and re-draw my boundaries.

so i want to take another stab at this swimming thing and not retreat back to the shallow end just because i can and just because i know that's where familiarity is.

"As your days, so shall your strength be."
—Deuteronomy 33:25