never go equipped without compassion...

so while in the shower today, i thought of this..and now it is currently my Facebook status-"even if i had the world at my feet and proclaimed to live my life in the image of Christ, it would be like dust in the wind if i did not show compassion for His people-fellow believers, the poor, the brokenhearted, and the unsaved. all it takes is to meet people where they are and God will do the rest ♥ ♥ "

i am so glad God put that on my heart and i could word it like so. what happened last night is still sinking in. i'm in shock......

so as if things at home were bad, things at my apartment in Towson are too. a roommate of mine doesn't have a job and has had a hard time paying rent and such. since last August, i have been paying for her part of the bills and now that i have recently lost my job, i just can't keep up without any money coming from her.

this has been a constant trial for me because it always comes into mind when other struggles pop up, and everything just starts ambushing me. it has been so hard to let go and to give it to God. to trust Him that some way, some how, i would get the money back. but it always left me uncertain. i, myself, have been scraping for change to pay for rent and to pay for these bills. it just was so unfair that i stepped up being responsible for this situation, when i really shouldn't and didn't need to. but alas,

so last night after coming home from the gym, i was home alone on my computer checking e-mails and Facebook. soon after, my roommate comes home. she's on the phone, talking loudly. she starts venting to her friend about all these things she's struggling with and just all this drama. she starts crying. in so much despair.

as i am overhearing all this, i just found myself going onto biblegateway.com and i typed in "compassion" as a keyword...
but You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.-Nehemiah 9:17

it just hits me right in the gut. i decided that i finally needed to shower and think this idea over. during my shower, i was talking to myself, saying i was crazy for even thinking this and wondering why it even came to mind! then before i got out, i said, "alright, let's do this!"

i gathered up all the courage i could, and i asked my roommate if she would like some dinner. by the end of the night, we had omlettes, dinner, and beer.

afterwards, i couraged up and told her we needed to talk about this financial situation with the bills. i shared with her my concerns and she shared me her side of the story. in the end, i was reassured that she would find a way to pay me back as soon as she was financially stable.

then she brought up our personal issues with each other. it has been in the past, but it still affects our relationship now, and that's what makes us being roommates, awkward. we explained our sides and got to understand a little better what happened. she apologized and didn't want things to go down the way they did.

at first, this story may seem kind of silly. but it pulls at my heart. God pulled at my heart. it took just this one day, from when i started venting to my friend about this roommate and being angry about it, to serving her with dinner and company. it's been two years since we've acknowledged each other with respect. everytime we've had a conversation, it always got out of hand, full of yelling and swearing.

for once, we actually had a civil, mature conversation. no more rude remarks or swearing at me. it still seems like it was all a dream. now i can say i am nice and i love serving people. i could have done this a million times, but i didn't.

ALL it took was for God to meet me right where i was and whisper, "carmen, you know what to do..."

"wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord"

"be merciful to me Lord, for i am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. my life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."~Psalm 31:9-10

during the last days of school before my winter break, i had planned to go out to dinner with my mom. after class i'd be driving home from Towson and spend the night out with her. i received an unexpected call from my mom, insisting i stay at school since it had begun snowing. as i was already on the road, i assured her no snow could stop me from seeing her that night. the hour long drive wasn't too bad and i arrived home safely. what i hope to be excitement and time spent with my mom, turned out to be a night of confusion, fear, and total heartache.

when i walked into the house, i found my mom crying in her room while on the phone. she started yelling out all these terrible things my dad was doing. she was drunk and was listening to a conversation between my dad and another woman that was left on her phone.

my mom cried so hard for so long, she ended up vomiting all the alcohol she drank. i spent the night comforting her, cleaning up after her.

i'll never forget how scared i was that night. i had never seen my mom reach that point. it would be my biggest regret if i had stayed at school, to only find out she could have died at home alone that night.

this was two years ago, our relationship has never been the same. i've been given the responsibility to fix everything while juggling school, work, friends--my own life. it's hard to admit but, i know i can't and never will, only God can.

my parents divorced this year in july. my mom finally gave in to the many friends and family who were begging her to leave this man. for so long he had taken advantage of her money, freedom, and spirit. she had stood firm in her belief to have her babies raised with both a mother and father. my brother and i are adults now, but i know my feels like she has failed.

over time, my relationship with my dad diminished. as i got older, i understoof what his verbal abuse and manipulation was doing to me and the family. out only conversations were about 'if the job i found would give me lots of money, if i knew what i was doing in life, if i knew how to take care of myself.' time and time again, i would assure him i knew how to stand on my own two feet. but his only response would be, "no, i don't think you'll ever make it. you're good for nothing and you'll always be a failure."

everyday i ask God how am i to respect this man who is my father? the mother on the brink of hopelessness? how do i understand You as my Father if i do not have an example of a godly father on Earth?

i am still a fairly new Christian, trying to grasp the concept of who God is and the abundant Grace He has given me. i have been githing this battle since i was saved three years ago. it has been so hard to consistently pray and serve my family and friends at home, as they are lost in their own sin and have not yet allowed God to change their hearts.

even through this heartbreak and test of fatith, i still grab onto hope. God continues to pursue me. He has blessed me with such humble Sisters in Christ who pray for me and encourage me everyday. their love for me challenges me to be like them--women of God.

God saved me just as i was beginning a new chapter in life--college. He found me at a time of change and opportunity to grow spiritually mature--personally with Him. He opened the door to Covenant Life Church back in January '09. i look forward to sunday, as i know there is something to grasp, apply, and share with others. as i doubt, God steps in a little closer. He shows me the beauty in life and the many things to come He knows will fill my heart with JOY. i thank God as He forgives me for an angry heart and an unforgiving spirit. and because He simply loves and cares for me.

i can only hope my brother will rejoice in God with me one day, that God's Power may multiple as we continue serving and loving our mom.

through prayer, encouragement, and His Word, i have overcome many difficulties with much fruit. it never ceases to amaze me how everytime i open the Bible, God lets me find truth. He gives my heart assurance.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."~Isaiah 40:29-31

i need to tell you daddy's gone, but honey i will be strong. for you i will, for you i will. my baby's growing up and not always with me. i can't tell you how much i just want to be free. to let go. no more weight on my shoulders. i come home to an empty house. is it me or is it getting colder? no love, no touch-this man refuses to give. baby, how do i find the will to live? he throws me away without any regret. is this the life, the path He has set? what wrong did i commit to deserve this pain? how do i believe? where do i find comfort? where do i find shelter? God...if You're out there, hear my cry: i just want to be LOVED one day.....

i love you <3

for some reason, everywhere i go, i LOVE taking pictures of birds. just watching them fly and able to go slow low to the ground without touching--that is SO cool!! when i was in OBX, there were flocks of heron, seagulls, and other birds. while watching them fly together, i just kept thinking about fellowship and the body of Christ. i was awed by how birds fly when they are in groups. they'd line up single file, in a "V" or there was some system of where each bird was supposed to be. as i watched the front bird flap its wings, a few seconds later, someone else in the group would flap their wings. this would go on until everyone in the group has flapped their wings at least once and the leader would start flapping again. it was pretty cool to watch these birds communicate to each other while they stare at each other's butt all day long =P who knew that flapping your wings could establish so much!

this led me to think about God and fellowship because like these birds, there is order. there is control to keep us all together and to function in a healthy way as one Body. just to be in harmony with one another and to lead each other from temptation and being led astray from the path God intended for us each to take. like these birds, i would hope that the fellowship i want to be a part of, is there for each other. that we can be accountability for one another. encourage each other with the word of God, through actions of love, and most importantly, prayer.

how awesome it is to be a part of something beautiful God has created--the church! how great it is to belong somewhere after much searching. God, it's FINALLY took this summer for me to understand what Your Time means. everything has a set place. i'm learning to continue beng patient in prayer and petition. You answer them at the moment i get caught off guard, but that is when i am in complete awe of Your Sovereignty Father <3

i finally finished the book of Job last night!! and went to bed around 9. it was pretty sweet!!! so towards the end of the book, Job's friend (forgot his name) puts Job in his place. Job has been complaining about why God has given him destruction when he is telling God and everyone around that he has not "deserved" these punishments for he has not "sinned."

so Job's friend AND God Himself speak out to Job. the two of them explain to Job just how lucky he is that he himself has not been put to death because that is what he deserves. Job's friend makes a good point that if God really were as evil and unfair as Job puts it, God would have simply just let him die when He allowed Satan to take everything he owned. it is this amazing Grace, Love, and Mercy that God spares Job and and every one of us.

how awesome is that?!? just think about it. the Creator who created the light, darkness, all creatures, waters, EARTH!, the universe in its entirety...how could He NOT put us in our place when it is death and Hell we deserve? who are we to speak out against God? we are merely imperfect beings who had no purpose in life until God gave us meaning. by the end of the day sometimes we realize what we've done throughout our lives has been meaningless and it gives us empty pleasures...but if we live for God and Him alone, He will reward us abundantly, more than we could ever imagine in this lifetime.

God spares us by giving His one and only Son as sacrifice on the Cross. reading this last night just made me realize how BIG and POWERFUL God really is. He's HUGE! and i can never fathom how awesome He is for as long as i live. neither can Job or any of his friends. but it is because of what Job's friend has said that has comforted me with my decision to put all my life and anxieties in God's Hands. He is the one and only to trust and hold onto, for better or worse.

"submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. accept instruction from His mouth and lay up His words in your heart."-Job 22:21-22

"but it is the spirit in a man, the breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding. it is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right"-Job 32:8-9

"the Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life."-Job 33:4

"i am just like you before God; i too have been taken from clay."Job 33:6

"for God does speak—now one way, now another— though man may not perceive it.".."to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword."-Job 33:14, 17-18

"He (God) repays a man for what he has done; He brings upon him what his conduct deserves. it is unthinkable that God would do wrong, that the Almighty would pervert justice. who appointed Him over the earth? who put Him in charge of the whole world? if it were His intention and He withdrew His spirit and breath, all mankind would perish together and man would return to the dust."-Job 34:11-15

so here i am back to reality in good ol Maryland. hmm, i miss the sound of the waves clashing into each other and washing up on the shore :o) but i think a week was good enough for me.

i was able to spend time each day in the Bible and got to read some really good Scripture. i also decided to tackle the book of Job and read from there til Songs of Songs. i gotta tell ya, i did not expect Job to be so complicated!! but i do understand that the man is struggling to stand firm on his faith after losing everything he had. God has a conversation with Satan and allows Satan to take away anything he wants from Job, as long as he does not harm Job himself. this whole book is essentially testing Job's faith and what he secures his life in.

many times, i've had friends tell me to read this book, because every time i go to them with a struggle, it always seemed like God was "taking away" something of mine that i held onto dearly or valued highly. and i was also frustrated that it seemed like God left me to fend for myself.

this just came to mind, but have you ever heard of the saying that goes something like, "a poor man is considered rich"? or something along those lines where you don't have to have anything desirable or be wealthy to be satisfied in life? well i guess in one way this book is about that.

if God had the power to simply tell Satan he can take away anything he wanted from Job, then he obviously could have just let Satan take away Job's life as well. but thankfully, He didn't. now, i have not read the whole book, nor am i even halfway. the book is like thirty some chapters and little old me is still tackling chapter 18. heh.

life is so precious, it's taken for granted. when you look at how Americans run their lives and the expectations of America and what it takes to be "successful" then in the bigger picture sense, life is really not valued as priority. what i mean by "life" is that it's just not being lived out in a purposeful way. yea, it's great to be working every day to be financially stable, but does it really shape you as a person? your mind? allow you to think outside the box?

sometimes simply being able to take a walk around the neighborhood and take in that summery air can be life. God took all of the materialistic things that Job had and all that made him "happy" and comfortable, with a good societal status and even his family! He didn't want to waste time and so He was instead very direct with Job in telling him, "hey, you've got Me." Job had acknowledged God for all that He had blessed him with, but maybe it was "in the moment" because he was happy with where God had him and being able to prosper off of all His gifts.

now that Job is alone, is he still thankful? is He still acknowledging God as the Almighty and One who blesses all His Children? where i'm at in the book, Job is frustrated (i think? the language is sometimes too complicated, but i'm pretty sure that's the gist). he's wondering why God isn't punishing those who have turned away from Him. how if he has done all that God has wanted him to do, and has acknowledged God and a faith in Him, why God is still "punishing" him.

i look at it as a way of how God can bring peace into our lives. keep the chaos down to a minimum. there are so many times where i have so much crap on my computer or so many papers in my binder, i wish i could just throw them all out instead of sorting through what stuff i need and what is really junk. maybe God's just simplifying my headache and just telling me to spend time on what really matters and toss the whole binder away, i don't know, :o)

personally, there are things in my life that i still want to keep ahold of. and every time i talk to God, i tell Him that i wish to either let these things go or to at least not make them priority over Him. as much as i want to get one or the other of these two things to happen, my humanness does not let me. i get distracted and frustrated and in turn my faith is either stagnant or i end up backtracking. even though it was hard because he was caught off guard, i wouldn't mind being Job.

i simply want to be in a state of being where i am just in awe of who God is and what He can do in my life when He's all i have. take this summer for example. i'm up at school by myself and it can be so lonely at times that i feel like a loser. my friends are away at camp or some are back home. it sucks. so there are times when i don't have any work to do, that i'm sitting on my bed staring at the wall and wondering what i can do til it's time for bed or whatever.

i'm so glad that God has in a way, taken away all my friends, my job, my summer (because of classes), my family, InterVarsity, etc. it's such a different dynamic from what i'm used to, which is exactly the point. no more being in my comfort zone or being able to go to people that i always go to for counsel or company. it would be so hard for me to discipline myself in just spending time with God. i love being in company with someone else. and i am grateful that God is there assisting me in my struggles and in turn blessing me with so much wisdom in His Word. it truly is Grace.

instead of staring off into space or wondering who i can call to hang out or talk to, i'm just in bed underlining verses and listening to my Christian music. i pray out loud. i reflect on what God has been doing in my life thus far, even just in the day. i've been able to be humble about going directly to Him with my struggles, not just telling someone else. i find that in my weakness, He really does make me strong.

looking into the future, when it's been about when i'll be in a relationship or whatever, i don't know. there's just so much for me to do already. i still have school, a new home church to plug away at, to grow closer with my friends as we move in together next year, and simply to live day to day for God and to enjoy every second of it. recently, i was just thinking that, yea, it would be cool to be in a relationship, but it's only if that's what God would like to bless me with. because that's when it's appropriate and timely in my life. essentially, i cannot really put into words as to how comforting and a privilege it is to not be in control of running my life. i'd go crazy with the things i deal with. and it is so amazing that i have come to know a Father who has sacrificed all He had to take care of me and help me every step of the way in the time i've been given here.

when i go back into the swing of things after the summer, i sure hope i can continue being the Job that cries out to God for help. and i hope that He will continually make my chaos slow down and help keep me in line, out of trouble, and most importantly, keep me focused on this amazing journey.