fear of man.
well the biggest struggle when it comes to fearing man for me, is that i tend to not know how to say "no" to things. regardless of whether i want to do the specific service or not, i could end up doing too much, and that wouldn't be good either. i'm afraid of letting down others. fearing they'd be mad or disappointed that i said "no" and this being different if i were to say i couldn't due to a time conflict or location conflict. if i have the time and ability to do something, no matter what it is...i end up saying "yes"
fear of man
God has brought to light how much i don't like being a part of InterVarsity anymore. i've only come to get to know ONE person for the two years that i have been there..to honestly go to this person and tell her my struggles. someone i trust. someone who has actually wanted to spend time with me. that's genuine fellowship. i love serving through worship because that's how i see God, that's how God changes me..through worship. the music, the vulnerability. everything about it makes my heart skip a beat. if it weren't for serving in worship at InterVarsity, i wouldn't have stayed so long.
i've given it a pretty fair chance to see how it can help and encourage me as far as fellowship and the messages to apply to my life and faith, but i end up being there after worship in a bad attitude because i just keep sinning through judging this group. how their sermons are really boring or not applicable at all. how their sermons say they do this and that, but in honesty from what i've seen, there has been no physical action within the group. and that frustrates me.
i love my home church too much now. i want to be able to serve and commit my time there. with going back and forth with the girls on Tuesday nights for caregroup and attending church on sundays, i want to be able to do more in helping this Body of Christ grow! and i am so willing to be a part of that!
and i love the girls so much. it's been SUCH a blessing for me to be where i've been patiently (and through many tears) waiting for God to bring me to.
this is it
as soon as the girls and i decided to live together, even before we went apartment hunting and all, i prayed constantly. i prayed that God would equip me and show me how i could serve, love, and care for each of these girls. a humbly prayer perhaps. and now that we are finally living together, this prayer should be able to blossom abundantly! but alas, it has not been able to as much as it has the potential to.
why?
because due to committing with worship, i've had to miss two days of the week to do InterVarsity stuff instead of sitting down and eating dinner, laughing, and chitchatting with the girls. as soon as we all get ready to eat dinner, i am about to head out the door. what kind of serving is that to the girls?
how was i allowing God to shape my heart and my love for these girls to serving them in all ways if i was never physically there? i wasn't allowing my prayer to be answered. for me to see God work through my life and planting the steps towards my future without being an active vessel.
how could i do it?
so this week i am confronting the worship band of my dismissal. not only am i feraing that i am letting them down as i am the only one playing guitar, but it's also because last year i already said i would commit to this year. and also, i don't know who is going to step up to take my place..so in essence, i would feel bad.
feeling bad (and miserable at the InterVarsity meetings) in sacrifice for freedom, true joy, true fellowship, and being able to actively serve my family here in the apartment and at church...
not quite the deal is it?
No comments:
Post a Comment