here i rest my weary soul...

"but seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own."-Matthew 6:33-34

God, everyday i think about if i will make it to the next day with the money i make, the amount of school i'm doing, with every action and word i say to each person.

is it enough?

i have been talking to a few friends about money because they are worrying about either finding a job to pay for rent and such or if they are making enough while juggling family and school at the same time. well folks, this is what it means to be a grown up. i know, it stinks. i wish i was just a wee little asian, in my diapers and getting everything i wanted just by crying or "being cute." and the best part being, i didn't have to change my own stinky diaper! but look at me now, 22, in summer school and working 15 boring hours at a drycleaners, barely making ends meet to pay for rent and bills. oi. if i could, i would take a million jobs plus school. i'd be saying to life "BRING IT ON!" to its face right now too. in the shortcoming (and world view) money may seem the most important. it will take away the worry and you can be able to buy what you supposedly "need."

but in Matthew 6, we are told that it is impossible to please and serve both God and money. how could we have been so silly to follow after something temporary and meaningless in God's eyes while praying and constantly pursuing a closer relationship with Him through faith and trust? we obviously are putting God in a box in this area of our lives. we're not trusting Him enough that He will come through with the money, or even things we could get as gifts or whatever.

i know it would be obvious to be thankful for parents because they support you from the moment you were conceived until you get a full time job (maybe even longer than that.) but it really hit me that i wouldn't have what i do and be where i am without my mom. i can't stress that enough. she is a one woman army. only friends growing up have been over my house and have met her. but she is definitely my hero. God, mom, bro, and a few others. i wouldn't be able to get to wherever i wanted if she didn't graciously buy me a car (even when i was a total brat about it.) i definitely would not be in school right now if i was paying it by myself. a lot of friends and just people i have met are paying school off with loans and such (you are pretty much awesome on my list because of that!) i'd really like to be done with school soon so i can really dive into a career and make something of myself. be able to buy whatever my mom wants, take care of her without her having to take care of me anymore.

and all my mom does everyday is work, work, and work! then she sits at home in front of the t.v.with the dog as company. i know it wouldn't add up to what she has done for me, but i always wish that i had more time for her. i always feel selfish for being away at school, enjoying church on my own, or always going out to be with friends. i wish i could just plop myself down in our comfy couch in my pjs and be with her.

mama.me.cantonese movies.white cheese sbarros.and saraku japan

i've been putting a lot more pressure on myself to do better in life. school. being a daughter. and being a child of God. there's so much unknown of the future even though there are things we have "planned" out. but just by His Intervention, those so called "plans" fall through and you end up starting back at nothing.

i, at many times, have started back at nothing. just a few days ago i felt like that. and i have cried about it. it somewhat seems silly when i should be looking at what i have been blessed with...but i don't know, fear took place of me being not "good enough" or a failure.

Father, i want to trust in Your Word. i don't want to be reading it as devotion without anything sinking into my heart and changing the way i think, speak, and act. i am not a flower nor bird. i am Your daughter who You love truly and deeply because You sent Your Son to die in my place. You already know my life as it goes on from day to day. You know my weaknesses and my strengths. You can easily take away what i enjoy and/or provide more gifts. You know me better than i do for you know my future plans.

now, why are His Children worrying about money if He's got us right in His Arms?